Crossing Over

People don't understand what I'm doing. At my age, to be pursuing a dream is considered to be folly by many. Dreams are for the young and only the young. My Mother, who loves me dearly, thinks I'm crazy.



But, then there are others who get excited when I tell them what I spend every spare moment doing. They are my secret, silent cheerleaders. I can see it in their eyes when I tell them about my pursuits. Not something they would dare to try themselves because their lives are gripped in fear. Fear of losing, fear of changing, fear of sacrifice. But, I can sense that I am an inspiration to them and the more I grow, the more excited they become and the more they think - "hey, maybe it's not too late for me either." I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what they are thinking.


But the sacrifice that I make affects my family. My cherished, aging dog who is now 17, who's hind legs sometimes give out as she's descending the stairs causing her to slide, bump and fall most of the way, wants my presence and the comfort of "her protector." Her old body is full of arthritis and bumps and knots that a person would have surgically removed. Her eyes, now gray with cataracts, no longer see well. If you call her, she can't hear you and when resting, she enters a dead sleep that an opening door, a car pulling up, or calling her name won't awaken. In her prime, no one could step on our property without her letting us know. She would intently watch a playful joust with my kids and their friends with her ears up and senses primed - just in case she had to jump in to protect. Her senses greatly weakened, she now needs extra care, attention and love. She's protected, guarded and defended my family her entire life and deserves the things she is looking for from me, but I can't give it to her. I'm in and out of the house, spending no real time there. A "hello" from me, a pat on the head and I'm gone. Sacrifice. Those around me suffer from my lack of presence in the house...


Making a permanent crossover into the artist world has required me to give up many things in my life. Financial comfort, family time, time with my precious animals. I've had one bra for the last three years. There are no shopping trips to buy new clothes, new shoes - cute little tops hanging on sales racks which would normally become the prize of a "hunt," will stay there and become some other woman's trophy. It's okay though. I have to let these things be "okay."


When you choose to look at the world through an artist's eyes, values change, focus changes, perspective changes and love deepens. Rewarding myself on payday at the store is no longer interesting. Rewarding myself by learning more and developing a deeper understanding and feelings in the music is all I ask. This reward is endless. It's like looking up at the sky and understanding God's endless bounty. The deeper you go, the more you realize there is even deeper to go.


I've always believed as Buddhist teachings teach that all things - all life is connected. Native Americans understand also that the spiritual world and the physical world are connected and interwoven. Theoretically, I've always understood these things and accept these beliefs. However, the more the artist in me emerges, the more I sense and understand with my life about these things.