Contemplating

Every day I come to the office and look at a specific a group of trees. I pay attention to the changes in them and watch them show me the seasons as they change. Now most of the leaves have turned a golden yellow and have started falling off. There are empty places where you can see the bareness of some of the branches. Winter is ahead.

It would be cool to take a picture of them every single day from the exact same spot so these changes can be played back like a movie. Much like we do with our past, we play it back like a movie. I watch flashes of mine like old reruns. There are some of these movies that I enjoy and others that I do not. I find that I focus more on the past memories that are not so favorable and it keeps me in this sadness - like the bare branches on the trees. These memories are not fruitful. I must allow myself to forgive my past and to look forward to each day with the eagerness and lightheartedness of a child who knows nothing other than that they are.

The Attack of the Squirrels

The last two weeks have brought dozens of squirrels to me. The first week, they would run across the street in front of my van. They were never in danger of being hit or run over, the distance was always enough. But, they kept dashing across the street in front of me every day and different times during the day.

This week, they've been waving to me from the side of the road. I always just happen to see them. And, yes, this is an actual phenomenon; I'm not making this up and it's real.

My job at this point is to figure out, understand and embrace the message that these little creatures are giving me. Squirrels to me are seemingly busy, mindless creatures. But, then there was the one time I saw a mother and father skittering about and looking down sadly at their baby who fell out of the nest and was killed when it landed. So I believe they can and do love.

Squirrels also signify determination and persistence. So, they are busy, determined and persistent. And yeah, that's me.

And the fact that they're no longer running in front of me, but now they are sitting on the sidelines waving... What does that mean?

I've gotten so far away from the music - so far away from actual singing that it has been painful. Music heals; sound is a vibration. My voice is healing to me and soothing and beautiful. I am not coming from a standpoint of vanity at all - but more reflecting on the gift that God gave to ME. This is what it does for me.

All of my work the last couple of years has centered around the internet, building websites, updating websites, talking to people, interviewing people, posting interviews... I enjoy this immensely, but it is not the primary joy for me. Singing is and I have to fight my way back to it. Maybe that's why the squirrels were slowing me down - telling me to stop, slow down, get across the street and refocus myself, my being and my energy.

There's only so much time in the day though. How do I find the time to do it all?

I have been very frustrated and lethargic the last couple of years. Felt like I hit a brick wall and I'm stuck there. I've learned a lot and grown a lot, but I haven't shared it with my voice.

A psychic person once told me that without singing, other areas of my life would be eaten away. It's been two years since I've put singing on the back burner of my activities and it has taken it's toll. I don't speak on it much, but know what it is.

So, all of that to say - thank you universe for reminding me of what should be at the forefront of my life leading me and guiding me. I am going to put singing back in its proper place. I'm going to go back to being the way I was. I would bounce in and out of venues and watch my friends perform, gathering energy and momentum. That's one of the things that I've stopped doing and I definitely feel it. I am drained, tired - exhausted actually - and have lost my spark. I'm going to get it back. I'm going to be me again.

Calling All the Angels

I reviewed a story that I had posted on http://pagesfrompeopleslives.com/ about a little boy named Isaiah. Isaiah lives in an orphanage in Haiti. He's got a family ready, willing and working toward adopting him, but they face many struggles to complete the process, mostly financial.

My friend Kelly Buchanan who is on a long journey back to some degree of normalcy after suffering from brain damage. She needs lots of physical therapy and assistance with daily living. Again it's the money thing.

My friend Jim Windtalker who gave up a lucrative career in music to roll up his sleeves and start a wolf preservation..

The list goes on and on. My heart is the biggest part of me. I feel the pain and torture of many of us. There is no separation between anyone else and yourself.

I feel so helpless sometimes --- okay - often. It is with great sadness that I bow my head and walk away from a situation that I can't do anything about. I focus on what I can do. I can blog; I can post stories and interviews on the internet and it satisfies me just to a point. To be able to put my hands in the dirt and help build the wolf shelters, to be a part of the armed guard that protects the orphanage in Haiti, to be there for my friend Kelly on a daily basis to make sure that she is taking her medication because often she forgets whether she's taken it or not... My God.

All I can do is try to put it into song. My internal tears, my external joy, my dreams, my wishes, my prayers for all of us. I am calling all the angels. I am calling all of us to serve. Will you answer?